Children's Cancer Research FUND
Families and Friends Who care

San Jose Mercury News
Posted on Thursday, May 8, 2003
Life Losses, life lessons

The sudden deaths of her parents have soccer star Brandi Chastain drawing on the strength she learned only from them.
By Mark Emmons
Mercury News

Whenever San Jose soccer star Brandi Chastain was going through though times in life, a knee injury or some other setback, her mother always was there to provide guidance.

  “I could recall her saying that only the people who are strong enough are tested,” Chastain said.  “Otherwise, what would be the point of testing someone who wasn’t up for the challenge?”

She has reason to think about those words now.  Her challenge is dealing with the unexpected deaths of her mother and father in just a seven-month period.

Chastain is expecting the full range of emotions.  She laughs at a happy memory one moment, then fights back tears the next.  But she doesn’t feel that her loss is somehow unfair.

  “What’s unfair is more people don’t have the relationship that we had with all the love and support,” Chastain said.  “I had it for almost 34 years, and it would have been greedy of me to ask for more.”

Lark Chastain, whose first name captured the cheerful personality that she passed on to Brandi, died of an aneurysm September 7 at age 56.  Then, on April 8, her 57-year-old husband Roger died of complications resulting from a torn aorta.  Friends and family say it was really a broken heart.

To learn how Brandi became the pluckiest ambassador for American soccer and the empowerment of sports-playing girls, you only have to look at Roger and Lark.

“She learned strength from her parents,” said family friend Dori Whipple.  “They let her know that she could do whatever she wanted.  There were no limits.”

They also served as second parents to Brandi’s teammates over the years.  That’s why Saturday will mark the Lark and Roger Chastain Celebration game when her CyberRays meet the Carolina Courage at Spartan Stadium.

Grief may be a lonely journey, but, as one of the world’s most recognizable female athletes, Brandi must cope with this void in her life on a very public stage.  Her pain and her shock, however, are no different than anyone else’s.

“It never crossed my mind that they wouldn’t be around at this point in my life,” she said.  “It makes you realize that you just never know.”

Focus on kids

Roger and Lark.  Those that knew them always used their names together.  The couple seemed inseparable.

They were sweethearts at Pioneer High.  Roger was reserved.  Lark had the effervescent smile and upbeat attitude.  She would become a flight attendant.  He joined the U.S. Marine Corps.  They got married, soon had Brandi, then son Chad and settled in San Jose.

Their lives revolved around the two children, who in turn came to view their parents more as friends than authority figures.  Chad said that growing up he would rather go fishing with his dad than ride BMX bikes with his pals.

“They were involved, and that’s the greatest gift that they could have given us,” Brandi added.  “They were always there for us, and it wasn’t just soccer.”

But soccer became the focus of the Chastain household.  When, around age 8, Brandi took up soccer, Roger started coaching her team.

“He would change his schedule so he could go into work early and then be able to pick up players after school,” Brandi said.  “I remember us driving all over the place to pick up kids and shoving everybody in our Datsun B210 between the balls and cones.”

Lark was a soccer mom long before the term became a cultural catchphrase.  She and Roger were fixtures at her games, staging tailgate parties beforehand, cheering loudly during play, and hugging everyone afterward.

After starring at Santa Clara University, Brandi claimed the international spotlight when she scored the winning goal for the U.S. national team in the 1999 Women’s World Cup on a penalty kick.  She peeled off her jersey in celebration to reveal a sports bra and rock-hard muscles.  By then, her parents were running their own businesses – Roger, a tile company, and Lark, an employment agency – because it gave them flexibility to attend Brandi’s games.

“I’ve never come across, in all my years of coaching, parents who were more supportive of their daughter,” said Jerry Smith, Brandi’s husband and coach of the Santa Clara women’s team.  “They could have been much more financially successful than they were, but they chose to work less so they could always be available for their children.  Their measure of success was their children.”

Separation, then shock

As close as she was to her parents, Brandi learned that you really don’t know everything about your family.  Six weeks before her death, Lark moved in with her daughter and Smith.  Lark and Roger were going through a rough part in their marriage.

In the days before September 7, Lark was suffering from migraine headaches and had seen a doctor.  Overnight, she died in her sleep.  Brandi was in Ohio with the U.S. national team.  She decided to play that game because it’s what her mom would have wanted.

In retrospect, Brandi was grateful that they had the chance to spend so much time together in her mom’s final weeks.  But her dad was devastated.

“He was upset over how things were before she died,” Brandi said.  “I think he was feeling some guilt.  I think it’s easy in life to say hard things and then go back the next day and say you’re sorry.  But when there’s finality, you can’t go back and say, ‘I was wrong.’ ”

As the months passed, Smith thought he could see the effects of that pain weighting more heavily on his father-in-law.  April 5 marked the CyberRays’ season opener and it would be the first time that Roger had watched Brandi play without Lark at his side.

“I was with Roger for part of that night and he didn’t look good,” Smith said.  “He was not himself.”

Roger skipped the postgame social and Brandi called him about 10:30 p.m. to make sure he was ok.  Shortly thereafter, he called 911.

Brandi can talk clinically about what happened to her father.  His aorta, the artery that carries blood from the heart, had torn and the lack of blood flow had damaged his liver, kidneys and lower extremities.  But she struggles as she talks about her final words to her heavily sedated father.

“I think he was very aware of what was going on because he had to move his eyes to see me,” she said.  “I told him that he had been a good guy and a good dad.  We would never stop thinking about him.  And it was OK for him to go watch soccer games in a more comfortable place.”

Siblings stay active

Brother and sister have a similar approach to dealing with the loss of their parents – staying active.

Chad is lining up corporate sponsorship for an event later in the summer where he hopes to play a round of golf in all 50 states in 50 days to raise money for charity in the names of his parents and a friend, Bobby Whipple, who died of cancer in 1998.

“Lark and Roger traced a line for us, so it’s easy for Brandi and I to follow it,” Chad said.  That’s why we’re the people we are.”

Brandi said she has felt out of sorts on the soccer field the past few weeks.  But maybe the fog is clearing because last weekend, she scored the only goal in the CyberRays’ 1-0 victory over the Atlanta Beat.

“Her coping method is busy-ness,” Smith said.  “She gets pulled in 100 different directions.  But as things slow down a bit, I’m sure there’s going to be some difficult times.”

This weekend could be one.  Saturday there will be a ceremony for her parents after the game.  Sunday will be the first Mother’s Day since Lark died.

The grieving process has no rules.  Brandi said she’s taking it moment by moment and, in the tradition of her mother, focusing on the positive.

“I know how lucky I am, “ she said.  “If anyone can read this and then be thankful about their personal relationships or think about working on their relationships, then that would make me feel good.”

©San Jose Mercury News. All Rights Reserved.

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